A Liverpool fan cannot believe he agreed to spend tonight visiting his in-laws instead of watching the Champions League final.
While his friends will be partying at the pub, die-hard Red Nathaniel Blumpton will be playing Scrabble and sitting through a slideshow of a walking week in Whitby.
“It’s my worst fucking nightmare,” moaned the 35-year-old.
“Watching Ronaldo stick a hat-trick past us and flexing his pecs would be better than listening to Gladys banging on about her piles.
“I hate my bastard life.”
Blumpton’s misery began after his mate Dave got tickets to the first leg of the quarter-final against Manchester City.
“It was the wife’s birthday and she said I could go if I agreed to visit her parents,” added the Knowsley-based plumber, who missed the Miracle of Istanbul because of his nan’s 90th birthday party.
“I said ‘yeah, whatever’ not realising it was the date of the final.
“Beating City should have been one of the best nights ever, but it’s turned my life into a living hell.”
At first Blumpton thought he’d be able to stick the game on in the background, only to discover ITV no-longer have the rights to the final.
“Every victory in Europe felt like a hammer blow as I saw us edge closer to the final, knowing that if we got to Kiev I’d be stuck in Stroud with Walt being openly racist about the royal wedding,” he added.
“I can only pray Klopp starts Mignolet and Klavan and we get stuffed 8-0, otherwise I’m a broken man.”