Tearful dad to miss World Cup group stages after wife books surprise family holiday

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A distraught dad set off on a two-week all-inclusive family holiday this morning, resigned to the fact he will miss the entire first two weeks of the World Cup.

Marcus Kettle shed a tear and shook his head for one final time as he boarded his flight to Lanzarote with wife Beryl and their two young children, Colleen and Wayne.

“Who the fuck books a family holiday during the group stages?” Kettle fumed at reporters outside Doncaster Robin Hood Airport.

“It’s a bastard family resort so there’ll be three bars packed with little shits all dancing to that Chu Chu Ua song. But will any of them have the footie on? Will they bollocks.

“Plus the place will be crawling with Belgians giving it some when we lose to sodding Tunisia. I want to die.”

Swipe Football understands that Beryl booked the holiday as a surprise for her husband after a stressful year at work.

“It clashes with the football?” she asked, struggling to feign surprise.

“I suppose he’ll just have to entertain the kids while I sunbathe, instead of going on all-dayers with his mates and crawling back at 3am, stinking of fags, trying to get his leg over and then pissing the bed.

“What a shame.”

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