Injured Gareth Southgate forced to w*nk himself dry with weaker left hand after watching England-Panama highlights

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Gareth Southgate was forced to wank himself dry with his weaker left hand after watching England thrash Panama.

The Three Lions boss was so overcome with joy following his side’s 6-1 victory over their Group G rivals that he couldn’t help but ferociously pump himself to a happy ending while watching the highlights.

But due to a shoulder injury, picked up while jogging in the woods, Southgate was forced to make a tactical substitution.

“I was going to ask Steve Holland, my right-hand man, to do it for me, but everything he touches ends up in your fucking papers,” he told the British press.

“So I decided to have a go with my left hand.

“I thought it might take a lot longer, but by the time Harry had stuck his first penalty away I was calling the dry cleaners to come and pick my suit up.”

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