Posted by Gareth Southgate was forced to wank himself dry with his weaker left hand after watching England thrash Panama.
The Three Lions boss was so overcome with joy following his side’s 6-1 victory over their Group G rivals that he couldn’t help but ferociously pump himself to a happy ending while watching the highlights.
But due to a shoulder injury, picked up while jogging in the woods, Southgate was forced to make a tactical substitution.
“I was going to ask Steve Holland, my right-hand man, to do it for me, but everything he touches ends up in your fucking papers,” he told the British press.
“So I decided to have a go with my left hand.
“I thought it might take a lot longer, but by the time Harry had stuck his first penalty away I was calling the dry cleaners to come and pick my suit up.”
