A millionnaire shagger with weird hair is set to shake things up in the US capital, after Wayne Rooney signed for DC United.
And the former England striker is in the shape of his life, according to the doctor who oversaw his medical.
Dr Klaus Hoffenstoffenheimerscheimer, who is also Donald Trump’s new leading medical expert, was amazed at the Scouser’s fitness levels.
“Wazza is in great shape, bigly,” the report stated.
“He is truly the fittest soccer kicker on the planet. Very healthy, great shape.
“Faster than a gazelle, perfect BMI. Great guy too. Fantastic calves.”
Leading Washington figures were queueing up to welcome Rooney to DC, including the president himself.
“America welcomes you, a good immigrant,” Trump told reporters.
“I’m very impressed with his skills on the field and his great, thick hair. Let’s make DC United great again.
“Melania is also a big fan, even if she is a little young for his tastes.”