Scotland’s footballers admitted they are only playing the characters of woeful sportsmen in a bid to avoid huge tax bills, a court was told.
Speaking after the nation’s humiliating 3-0 defeat in Kazakhstan, manager Alex McLeish said his fellow countrymen shouldn’t feel downbeat, especially because he’d just saved himself £40,000.
“Stuart Findlay is undoubtedly better than Ronaldinho in his prime,” McLeish said.
“He’s just pretending to have the persona of an eternally plucky loser so his wages can be paid into a private company.
“It was the same when Chris Iwelumo missed that open goal from four yards out and Gary McAllister twatted his penalty right at Dave Seaman at Euro ‘96.
“We’d definitely be World Cup winners if we weren’t tightwads.”
McLeish continued by confirming many of Scotland’s most famous citizens use the ploy to save cash.
“In real life that Krankie fella isn’t a wee schoolboy and Franco Begbie isn’t a psycho but a copper called Hamish Macbeth’,” McGregor added.
“The only exception to the rule is Alex Salmond. He’s actually that in love with himself the whole time.”
While many hardworking Scots were furious at the revelation, others avoided the outcry.
“I try to ignore the grim realities of life to stop my conscience eating away at me, knowing the millions I greedily hoard for myself could change so many lives for the better,” quipped chatty breakfast TV persona Lorraine Kelly.“